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Pareidolia

by Actor|Observer

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1.
In service to a dying dream That fades as I wake As if it was never seen Run my fingers through a cloud of smoke A passing glance at a running joke We try to bottle lightning But can't recount how it truly felt If I can't take this with me Then tell me how I can draw this out Remembrance Experience For which do we live? Drag me through and leave me broken The memory is all we need to feel whole again But it’s just lines retraced Interpretation of the real thing That’s all that’s left We live in the past We’re pulled through everything We can’t react We just relive The happiness we think we seek Is limited by our need To articulate precisely What we have achieved Sitting backwards on the train Everything is pulled away Moving forward every day Forced to watch where I can’t stay Drag me through and leave me broken The memory is all we need to feel whole again But there’s nothing left
2.
Another strained commitment And still I’m asking why We tighten our grip Instead of cutting ties We threaten our departure Like kids run away from home But stop when we remember We don’t know how to be alone Begging relief from ourselves We know there’s an out but continue to dwell Safe in the nest when you're trapped in the shell What would happen if ever you fell? We live with what we hate But yearn for something more We get in our own way Holding out for just one more day But what is it worth? Will you still remain convinced That the alternative is worse? So much stubborn pride in holding on Over taking stock in hope You’d rather hang on a sure thing At least you know you're gonna choke Just tell yourself Whatever you need To learn to love what hurts you Like “patience is a virtue” Tolerance without common sense A voice in Stockholm says “It's not that bad” The truth is that you're too afraid To start again, and so you stay But if the devil's already got his grip on you What have you got to lose? We live with what we hate But yearn for something more We get in our own way Holding out for just one more day But what is it worth? Do you still remain convinced That the alternative is worse? So much stubborn pride in holding on Over taking stock in hope You’d rather hang on a sure thing Than try to cut the rope
3.
Seems I've been swinging back and forth Or running in one place Suspended to remain on course While Earth turns beneath my feet Still doing as I was told Went slow and steady Now the trail’s gone cold Wait, stick to the plan Don’t get discouraged The weight will shift again The carrot hangs A little further out each day With every single step I take So hard to notice What has changed Dominoes lined up With too much space between One falls, but the rest stay standing No chain reaction They don’t connect Is this the way it's always been? I'm too far gone to see No I am not killing time Time is killing me Still doing as I was told Went slow and steady Now the trail’s gone cold Wait, stick to the plan Don’t get discouraged The weight will shift again The illusion of progress is all I see Inching forward with my fingernail length And yet I find myself stuck at the beginning Chasing my own tail again The light at the end of the tunnel barely grows How long is too long? Can I move on? Don’t make the same mistake as me I can’t move on It’s been too long
4.
Reprieve 01:17
5.
Reuptake 04:29 video
Remedy, remedy You've become a crutch A pill I take To swallow All my sorrow Not to change My sadness is not poetic A sickness without a cure My sadness is not romantic A weakness and nothing more Maybe I'm being dramatic Or maybe it's because I'm bored But I'm sick of feeling pathetic Don't need this part of me anymore Oh, how we glorify illness Our movement is vain If the outcome is stillness We came here to fix ourselves But found pride in our pain And made a home out of our hell So if we were to find a cure How could we ever tell? Remedy, remedy You've become a crutch A pill I take To swallow All my sorrow Not to change I wish I could say That it all floats away But it stays A recessive trait Just laying dormant A pacified torment Found a way
To keep it at bay But for the first time in years My head’s finally clear And that I’ll take That I’ll take It’s enough Just to feel okay But two years on now Don’t feel quite like myself But I’m not quite sure how There’s something in the way Between who I am now And who I used to be For years my pain defined me Now without it I’m searching For some sort of meaning I went looking for you everywhere But you were gone Remedy, remedy You've become a crutch A pill I take To swallow All my sorrow Not to change Remedy, remedy Will I ever change?
6.
In Your Ways 04:30
I’ve felt it on the sidelines An ache I can’t remove Perceived as unconditional Because I’ve tethered me to you I tried to pull the weight But you refused to lift a hand And when I question it you say “It’s just the way I am” You wanna blame it Oh, you wanna blame it On roots that keep you in the ground But you can change it I know you can change it You have to pull yourself out Don't try to blame this Oh, don’t try to blame this On the badge of wounds you wear so proud You are the one who decides How this will turn out I see it play out on repeat The people that I love Become the people I can't reach And in my attempt to empathize I can't help but to internalize End up taking on the crosses They can't seem to bear alone But now my arms have fallen weak And I can’t even pick up the phone You wanna blame it Oh, you wanna blame it On roots that keep you in the ground But you can change it I know you can change it You have to pull yourself out Don't try to blame this Oh, don’t try to blame this On the badge of wounds you wear so proud You are the one who decides How this will turn out You’re losing us You’re losing me You’re losing touch
7.
No god No god has ever abandoned me No savior I came here by way of my own two feet There was no god To ever abandon me I made my bed to sleep in Constructing my own beliefs At first empowered by the pride To mold my own truth from a lie My guiding light was designed By the questions whose answers It was made to help me find I’m not cut out for this task I’m just a man Taking on the weight of a god In my own hands No chain of command I’m all alone in this land I understand Why people put their faith in Someone with his own plan But I can’t look back For I may become a pillar of salt Forsaken here in a kingdom of faults So smug to think that I am so much better off As if my freedom means that I’ll never be lost To keep pretending that I am so self-assured Is just as delusional as those who defer We’re more the same than we are not At first empowered by the pride To mold my own truth from a lie My guiding light was designed By the questions whose answers It was made to help me find I’m not cut out for this task I’m just a man Taking on the weight of a god In my own hands No chain of command I’m all alone in this land I understand Why people put their faith in Someone with his own plan But I can’t look back I have learned to lick my wounds The only faith I’m holding onto I remember when the laughter left my face I hung my head but not to pray I know it’s all the same We’re aimless The god you made won’t save us 
How can I claim to be the one to call the shots? How can I claim to be my own god? How long before my hubris catches up? I am no better off
8.
Well Being 04:53
Feel it creep under my skin Fingers start to twitch The lonely pang of restlessness When there’s no one else around Do I even make a sound? Or am I just an echo Fading from their consciousness? Without the amniotic comfort Of being wrapped in someone else My mind is left to wander Lowered further down the well When meditation Becomes suffocation Where to go? Throw myself into you And I’m ashamed to admit it But it’s how I’ve come to be My past keeps biting at my feet I’ve refrained to ever bare it It’s not fair of me To burden my own company Oh Christ, it's so goddamn pathetic How I only know myself In the context of someone else So tell everyone to exit View me in a vacuum Self-pity on a feedback loop When meditation Becomes suffocation Where to go? Throw myself further down the well Where nobody can hear me yell No soul to console Just myself Until the echo begins to swell And rings pell mell No, I can’t bare to look Into what I fear most A face emerging Churning doubt Who will pull me out?
9.
I've carried this flag for far too long "If you’re not moving forward, You’re always falling back" Is this what drives me? Some sorry fucking mantra Like the default state of our lives Is to constantly retract And yet I can’t shake this illusion It seems that I have been mislead Never rest, never rest Guilt sets the ticking in my head Just when I seem to grasp what I’ve been chasing It starts to deconstruct before my eyes And everything I thought that I was missing Reflects how wrong I’ve been this whole damn time I've carried this flag for far too long "If you’re not moving forward, You’re always falling back" Is this what drives me? Some sorry fucking mantra Like the default state of our lives Is to constantly retract I may just be the sum of all my parts But I can rearrange them as I please Every pattern that I find within myself Is only limited by what I can see I’ll never rest on my own laurels I’ll never reap my own rewards The fruit of my labor rots before I can taste it I’ll never find what I’m looking for I’ll never know the taste of it
10.
Dilettante 04:53
The heart on my sleeve Is getting harder to believe So hellbent on making progress Yet neglecting what I need And it’s meaningless This misappropriation How I've traded inspiration For misguided dedication What have I become? Am I giving in? Or am I giving up? Make a choice Or it will be made for you Yeah, art assumes a value But that still doesn't mean that it's true Losing my way An iron without a fire Day after day Growing sick and uninspired You got something to prove Not to them It’s all for you What is it you're looking for? What validation do you need To believe you’re something more Than the fraud that you perceive? If no one is contesting The merit of your work Why do you still get the feeling You've fabricated all your worth? Burn up all your doubt Smoke the liar out Make him fan the flames Then lead him to a grave Losing my way An iron without a fire Day after day Growing sick and uninspired Burn up all your doubt (I don’t I believe myself) Smoke the liar out (I don’t believe myself) Make him fan the flames (I don’t believe myself) Lead him to a grave (I don’t believe myself)
11.
Pareidolia  06:57
“Do you want to see the house?” My mother asked me Just a quarter mile Before the turn off 118 She didn’t say “old” Because it hadn’t been sold yet But I noticed that she didn't say "our house” Just “the” As if to imply some greater Unspeakable meaning Like a place in history Or the scene of a crime Or a haunted estate Where people only visit To feel some brief presence Of a past life Or the hope Of a life past this one Maybe that’s why she asked Maybe that’s why I said “sure” Or maybe we both just wanted some closure Maybe that’s why she asked Maybe that’s why I said “sure” Or maybe we both just wanted it to be over So we turned and followed Familiar streets Past train tracks, houses And memories Of my only former life Not much had changed In that neighborhood Not even the house On the outside… What did I expect? To see the rooms I knew so well All the patterns erased Devoid of life Covered up in Eggshell white And in an instant The floor fell out beneath me And the walls drifted away Reminded how we’ve always been Just floating through blank space Maybe that’s all we have Maybe I'll never feel fine Or maybe it will all just take me a lifetime Maybe that's all we have Maybe that's really just fine Or maybe I just haven't seen it in the right light So that’s it A blank canvas we're given Upon which to cast whatever We choose to believe in Well, I feel love And I feel loved I feel like this right here is true So this is where I stake my claim A modest home With a modest view I’ve built a house of cards With a glass floor on a bottomless pit I’ll never take for granted When I look down I can’t forget Perception is reality Life is truly what you make it So i’m taking stock of what’s around me And trying my hardest to embrace it The reasons I wanted to kill myself Have never truly gone away I am just grateful to have found Stronger reasons for me to stay

about

ORDER VINYL AND CD AT ACTOROBSERVER.COM

This album would not exist without the relentless support of our families, friends, and loved ones. Special thanks to Kevin Dye, Dylan Sylvester, Rich Weinberger, Kelsey Ayres, Anthony Gesa, Ben Weinman, Chris Hansen and anyone who has taken the time to listen to this band. 

credits

released August 24, 2018

Recorded February 2017 at Audio Pilot Studio (Boonton, New Jersey) 
 
Produced, engineered, and mixed by Kevin Dye 

Mastered by Mike Kalajian at Rogue Planet Mastering
 
Pre-Production and additional vocal tracking by Dylan Sylvester 
 
Violin and viola on “In Your Ways” by Jane Park

Keys and additional vocals on “In Your Ways” by Kevin Dye 

Additional vocals on “Well Being” by Rich Weinberger 
Additional vocals on “Pareidolia” by Thaddeus Rios 
 
Photography by Kelsey Ayres 
 
Album layout & design by Rich Weinberger 
 
All songs written and performed by Greg Marquis, Kyle Kowalsky, Brett Michael Colangelo, Dan Bob Goterch, and Ryan Holman 
 
Actor|Observer: Greg Marquis, Brett Michael Colangelo, Dan Bob Goterch, Kyle Kowalsky, Nick Grieco 
 
Management: Anthony Gesa & Ben Weinman, Party Smasher Inc.

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Actor|Observer Boston, Massachusetts

Actor Observer from Boston, MA have become a well-respected musical force throughout New England. Their dynamic sound and electric live performance are charged with a visceral sincerity and vulnerability that many audience members find refreshing in the current age of post-hardcore. Their newest album "Songs For The Newly Reclusive" may be their most powerful offering yet. ... more

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