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No Sleep

Pareidolia

by Actor|Observer

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about

This album would not exist without the relentless support of our families, friends, and loved ones. Special thanks to Kevin Dye, Dylan Sylvester, Rich Weinberger, Kelsey Ayres, Anthony Gesa, Ben Weinman, Chris Hansen and anyone who has taken the time to listen to this band. 

credits

released August 24, 2018

Recorded February 2017 at Audio Pilot Studio (Boonton, New Jersey) 
 
Produced, engineered, and mixed by Kevin Dye 

Mastered by Mike Kalajian at Rogue Planet Mastering
 
Pre-Production and additional vocal tracking by Dylan Sylvester 
 
Violin and viola on “In Your Ways” by Jane Park

Keys and additional vocals on “In Your Ways” by Kevin Dye 

Additional vocals on “Well Being” by Rich Weinberger 
Additional vocals on “Pareidolia” by Thaddeus Rios 
 
Photography by Kelsey Ayres 
 
Album layout & design by Rich Weinberger 
 
All songs written and performed by Greg Marquis, Kyle Kowalsky, Brett Michael Colangelo, Dan Bob Goterch, and Ryan Holman 
 
Actor|Observer: Greg Marquis, Brett Michael Colangelo, Dan Bob Goterch, Kyle Kowalsky, Nick Grieco 
 
Management: Anthony Gesa & Ben Weinman, Party Smasher Inc.

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Actor|Observer Boston, Massachusetts

Actor|Observer is a post-hardcore band from Boston, MA whose style is bursting at the seams with steadfast conviction and emotional intensity, interspersed with a broad melodic and tonal range. Listen to their music or see them live and you’ll understand the urgency and sincerity with which they perform. Their record label debut full length 'Pareidolia' comes out on 8/26/18 on No Sleep Records ... more

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Track Name: Tyranny of the Remembering Self
In service to a dying dream
That fades as I wake
As if it was never seen
Run my fingers through a cloud of smoke
A passing glance at a running joke

We try to bottle lightning
But can't recount how it truly felt
If I can't take this with me
Then tell me how I can draw this out

Remembrance
Experience
For which do we live?

Drag me through and leave me broken
The memory is all we need to feel whole again

But it’s just lines retraced
Interpretation of the real thing
That’s all that’s left
We live in the past
We’re pulled through everything
We can’t react
We just relive

The happiness we think we seek
Is limited by our need
To articulate precisely
What we have achieved
Sitting backwards on the train
Everything is pulled away
Moving forward every day
Forced to watch where I can’t stay

Drag me through and leave me broken
The memory is all we need to feel whole again
But there’s nothing left
Track Name: The Devil You Know
Another strained commitment
And still I’m asking why
We tighten our grip
Instead of cutting ties
We threaten our departure
Like kids run away from home
But stop when we remember
We don’t know how to be alone

Begging relief from ourselves
We know there’s an out but continue to dwell
Safe in the nest when you're trapped in the shell
What would happen if ever you fell?

We live with what we hate
But yearn for something more
We get in our own way
Holding out for just one more day
But what is it worth?
Will you still remain convinced
That the alternative is worse?
So much stubborn pride in holding on
Over taking stock in hope
You’d rather hang on a sure thing
At least you know you're gonna choke

Just tell yourself
Whatever you need
To learn to love what hurts you
Like “patience is a virtue”
Tolerance without common sense
A voice in Stockholm says
“It's not that bad”

The truth is that you're too afraid
To start again, and so you stay
But if the devil's already got his grip on you
What have you got to lose?

We live with what we hate
But yearn for something more
We get in our own way
Holding out for just one more day
But what is it worth?
Do you still remain convinced
That the alternative is worse?
So much stubborn pride in holding on
Over taking stock in hope
You’d rather hang on a sure thing
Than try to cut the rope
Track Name: Pendulum Days
Seems I've been swinging back and forth
Or running in one place
Suspended to remain on course
While Earth turns beneath my feet

Still doing as I was told
Went slow and steady
Now the trail’s gone cold
Wait, stick to the plan
Don’t get discouraged
The weight will shift again

The carrot hangs
A little further out each day
With every single step I take
So hard to notice
What has changed
Dominoes lined up
With too much space between
One falls, but the rest stay standing
No chain reaction
They don’t connect

Is this the way it's always been?
I'm too far gone to see
No I am not killing time
Time is killing me

Still doing as I was told
Went slow and steady
Now the trail’s gone cold
Wait, stick to the plan
Don’t get discouraged
The weight will shift again

The illusion of progress is all I see
Inching forward with my fingernail length
And yet I find myself stuck at the beginning
Chasing my own tail again
The light at the end of the tunnel barely grows
How long is too long?
Can I move on?
Don’t make the same mistake as me
I can’t move on
It’s been too long
Track Name: Reuptake
Remedy, remedy
You've become a crutch
A pill I take
To swallow
All my sorrow
Not to change

My sadness is not poetic
A sickness without a cure
My sadness is not romantic
A weakness and nothing more
Maybe I'm being dramatic
Or maybe it's because I'm bored
But I'm sick of feeling pathetic
Don't need this part of me anymore

Oh, how we glorify illness
Our movement is vain
If the outcome is stillness
We came here to fix ourselves
But found pride in our pain
And made a home out of our hell
So if we were to find a cure
How could we ever tell?

Remedy, remedy
You've become a crutch
A pill I take
To swallow
All my sorrow
Not to change

I wish I could say
That it all floats away
But it stays
A recessive trait
Just laying dormant
A pacified torment
Found a way
To keep it at bay
But for the first time in years
My head’s finally clear
And that I’ll take
That I’ll take
It’s enough
Just to feel okay

But two years on now
Don’t feel quite like myself
But I’m not quite sure how
There’s something in the way
Between who I am now
And who I used to be
For years my pain defined me
Now without it I’m searching
For some sort of meaning

I went looking for you everywhere
But you were gone

Remedy, remedy
You've become a crutch
A pill I take
To swallow
All my sorrow
Not to change
Remedy, remedy
Will I ever change?
Track Name: In Your Ways
I’ve felt it on the sidelines
An ache I can’t remove
Perceived as unconditional
Because I’ve tethered me to you
I tried to pull the weight
But you refused to lift a hand
And when I question it you say
“It’s just the way I am”

You wanna blame it
Oh, you wanna blame it
On roots that keep you in the ground
But you can change it
I know you can change it
You have to pull yourself out
Don't try to blame this
Oh, don’t try to blame this
On the badge of wounds you wear so proud
You are the one who decides
How this will turn out

I see it play out on repeat
The people that I love
Become the people I can't reach
And in my attempt to empathize
I can't help but to internalize
End up taking on the crosses
They can't seem to bear alone
But now my arms have fallen weak
And I can’t even pick up the phone

You wanna blame it
Oh, you wanna blame it
On roots that keep you in the ground
But you can change it
I know you can change it
You have to pull yourself out
Don't try to blame this
Oh, don’t try to blame this
On the badge of wounds you wear so proud
You are the one who decides
How this will turn out

You’re losing us
You’re losing me
You’re losing touch
Track Name: Low and Beholden
No god
No god has ever abandoned me
No savior
I came here by way of my own two feet
There was no god
To ever abandon me
I made my bed to sleep in
Constructing my own beliefs

At first empowered by the pride
To mold my own truth from a lie
My guiding light was designed
By the questions whose answers
It was made to help me find

I’m not cut out for this task
I’m just a man
Taking on the weight of a god
In my own hands
No chain of command
I’m all alone in this land
I understand
Why people put their faith in
Someone with his own plan
But I can’t look back

For I may become a pillar of salt
Forsaken here in a kingdom of faults

So smug to think that I am so much better off
As if my freedom means that I’ll never be lost
To keep pretending that I am so self-assured
Is just as delusional as those who defer
We’re more the same than we are not

At first empowered by the pride
To mold my own truth from a lie
My guiding light was designed
By the questions whose answers
It was made to help me find

I’m not cut out for this task
I’m just a man
Taking on the weight of a god
In my own hands
No chain of command
I’m all alone in this land
I understand
Why people put their faith in
Someone with his own plan
But I can’t look back

I have learned to lick my wounds
The only faith I’m holding onto

I remember when the laughter left my face
I hung my head but not to pray
I know it’s all the same
We’re aimless
The god you made won’t save us
How can I claim to be the one to call the shots?
How can I claim to be my own god?
How long before my hubris catches up?
I am no better off
Track Name: Well Being
Feel it creep under my skin
Fingers start to twitch
The lonely pang of restlessness
When there’s no one else around
Do I even make a sound?
Or am I just an echo
Fading from their consciousness?
Without the amniotic comfort
Of being wrapped in someone else
My mind is left to wander
Lowered further down the well

When meditation
Becomes suffocation
Where to go?
Throw myself into you

And I’m ashamed to admit it
But it’s how I’ve come to be
My past keeps biting at my feet
I’ve refrained to ever bare it
It’s not fair of me
To burden my own company
Oh Christ, it's so goddamn pathetic
How I only know myself
In the context of someone else
So tell everyone to exit
View me in a vacuum
Self-pity on a feedback loop

When meditation
Becomes suffocation
Where to go?
Throw myself further down the well
Where nobody can hear me yell
No soul to console
Just myself
Until the echo begins to swell
And rings pell mell
No, I can’t bare to look
Into what I fear most
A face emerging
Churning doubt
Who will pull me out?
Track Name: On Your Laurels
I've carried this flag for far too long
"If you’re not moving forward,
You’re always falling back"
Is this what drives me?
Some sorry fucking mantra
Like the default state of our lives
Is to constantly retract

And yet I can’t shake this illusion
It seems that I have been mislead
Never rest, never rest
Guilt sets the ticking in my head
Just when I seem to grasp what I’ve been chasing
It starts to deconstruct before my eyes
And everything I thought that I was missing
Reflects how wrong I’ve been this whole damn time

I've carried this flag for far too long
"If you’re not moving forward,
You’re always falling back"
Is this what drives me?
Some sorry fucking mantra
Like the default state of our lives
Is to constantly retract

I may just be the sum of all my parts
But I can rearrange them as I please
Every pattern that I find within myself
Is only limited by what I can see

I’ll never rest on my own laurels
I’ll never reap my own rewards
The fruit of my labor rots before I can taste it
I’ll never find what I’m looking for
I’ll never know the taste of it
Track Name: Dilettante
The heart on my sleeve
Is getting harder to believe
So hellbent on making progress
Yet neglecting what I need
And it’s meaningless
This misappropriation
How I've traded inspiration
For misguided dedication
What have I become?
Am I giving in?
Or am I giving up?
Make a choice
Or it will be made for you
Yeah, art assumes a value
But that still doesn't mean that it's true

Losing my way
An iron without a fire
Day after day
Growing sick and uninspired

You got something to prove
Not to them
It’s all for you
What is it you're looking for?
What validation do you need
To believe you’re something more
Than the fraud that you perceive?
If no one is contesting
The merit of your work
Why do you still get the feeling
You've fabricated all your worth?

Burn up all your doubt
Smoke the liar out
Make him fan the flames
Then lead him to a grave

Losing my way
An iron without a fire
Day after day
Growing sick and uninspired

Burn up all your doubt
(I don’t I believe myself)
Smoke the liar out
(I don’t believe myself)
Make him fan the flames
(I don’t believe myself)
Lead him to a grave
(I don’t believe myself)
Track Name: Pareidolia 
“Do you want to see the house?”
My mother asked me
Just a quarter mile
Before the turn off 118
She didn’t say “old”
Because it hadn’t been sold yet
But I noticed that she didn't say "our house”
Just “the”
As if to imply some greater
Unspeakable meaning
Like a place in history
Or the scene of a crime
Or a haunted estate
Where people only visit
To feel some brief presence
Of a past life
Or the hope
Of a life past this one

Maybe that’s why she asked
Maybe that’s why I said “sure”
Or maybe we both just wanted some closure
Maybe that’s why she asked
Maybe that’s why I said “sure”
Or maybe we both just wanted it to be over

So we turned and followed
Familiar streets
Past train tracks, houses
And memories
Of my only former life
Not much had changed
In that neighborhood
Not even the house
On the outside…
What did I expect?
To see the rooms I knew so well
All the patterns erased
Devoid of life
Covered up in
Eggshell white
And in an instant
The floor fell out beneath me
And the walls drifted away
Reminded how we’ve always been
Just floating through blank space

Maybe that’s all we have
Maybe I'll never feel fine
Or maybe it will all just take me a lifetime
Maybe that's all we have
Maybe that's really just fine
Or maybe I just haven't seen it in the right light

So that’s it
A blank canvas we're given
Upon which to cast whatever
We choose to believe in
Well, I feel love
And I feel loved
I feel like this right here is true
So this is where I stake my claim
A modest home
With a modest view
I’ve built a house of cards
With a glass floor on a bottomless pit
I’ll never take for granted
When I look down I can’t forget
Perception is reality
Life is truly what you make it
So i’m taking stock of what’s around me
And trying my hardest to embrace it
The reasons I wanted to kill myself
Have never truly gone away
I am just grateful to have found
Stronger reasons for me to stay

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